), identified five stages people go through when facing death. Instruct students to be ready to give examples from the novel as each stage is discussed. Inform them that the
discussion will also include practical suggestions addressing what to say/not say and what to do/not do when dealing with grief issues.II. Lesson
Give an overview of the stages of grief emphasizing the following points:
§ Define grief (emotional suffering due to experiencing loss). Grief can accompany any type of loss; the greater the loss the
greater the intensity of the suffering.
§ While Kubler-Ross's research is based in specific on interviews with terminally ill people, her five-stage model is widely accepted as describing the grieving
process in general. The stages have application not only when people are grieving over death but also when experiencing other types of loss. (See Optional Discussion Extension #2 for examples.)
§ The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
§ The stages are not "rigid"; they do not necessarily occur in order. People may bounce back and forth between stages, sometimes
rapidly within a single conversation.
§ Individual grief experiences vary widely; there is not one "correct" way to grieve. It can look very different in different people.
Present a description of what to expect at each stage of the grieving process (A) and discuss examples from the novel (B). Lead students in identifying practical suggestions for what to do (C) and what not to do (D)
during each stage. Given that students will be expected to apply the information later, strongly recommend that they take notes during the discussion. Note: While the suggestions in parts (C) and (D)
are written from the perspective of helping others as they grieve, applications for dealing with one's own grief should also be discussed.
Stage 1: Denial the amazing human psyche attempting
to protect us from a traumatic event; the mind works very hard to let traumatic information in a little at a time
A. Characteristics: They may display shock, a sense of disbelief, can't seem to grasp the
reality of the situation, feel numb emotionally, may seem emotionless and cold. They and the world around them may seem "unreal", feel dazed. The desire to escape is strong; thoughts may be disorganized
(difficulty concentrating, difficulty remembering things, difficulty communicating); physical symptoms (dizziness, trembling, difficulty breathing, racing heart, nausea, etc.) are evident. People may go through the
motions of life automatically doing what needs to be done. They may wish it had happened to someone else then may feel guilty for feeling that way and may feel guilty being alive. They concentrate on the needs of
others and ignore their own needs.
B. Ch. 8 Mary: dizzy, trembling voice, difficulty breathing after receiving the initial phone call
Ch 10 Mary: drinking whiskey throughout the
night and not being able to feel the effects; she tries to make Walter feel welcome
Ch 10 Andrew: has thoughts of wishing it were he who had died; feels guilty being alive; keeps "putting his foot in his mouth"
Ch 12 Joel: thinks to himself, "People can only get through these things by being blind at least half the time."
Ch. 14 Rufus and Catherine: don't say anything or ask any questions when Mary
tells them their father is dead; during breakfast, Catherine still believes her father will come home and Rufus is full of questions but afraid to ask them
Ch. 16 Rufus: feels "exhilarated" at not having to go to
school then disappointed because of the attention he will not get from his peers; he thinks the event will give him more credibility
Ch. 10 Rufus: tells a group of boys what happened but shows no emotion; he's
trying to impress the boys
C. Do: listen more than you talk, make sure basic needs are met (provide food, drinks), run errands, do chores, be available, keep in close contact, make phone calls for
them, remember that if they don't seem sad - doesn't mean they don't care they are numb
Say: "I'm sorry you are hurting." "I'm sorry to hear about your loss." "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Tell me what you are thinking."
D. Don't do: be impatient, expect the person to move through the process on your timeline, push the person to face reality before he is ready, take the person's behavior
personally, be easily offended, be judgmental (people handle grief differently)
Don't say: "I know how you feel." (unless you've truly experienced the same thing) "It'll be ok "Time will
make it better." "It was God's will." "You shouldn't feel that way."
Stage 2
: Anger directed in every direction
A. Characteristics: They typically ask the question "Why me?", are short tempered and difficult, nothing pleases them, seem mad at the world, over-react
emotionally to anything/everything, say things they normally wouldn't say, do things they normally wouldn't do, blame God, blame others, may question faith in God, accuse others of not caring, may avoid friends,
irrational
B. Ch. 11 Andrew: feels bad for making Mary cry by giving her too many details, in his thoughts questions the existence of God and expresses the desire to "spit" in His face.
Ch. 11 Joel: accuses God of killing men "for sport" like boys do to flies
Ch. 13 Mary: prays "angrily" for peace for all who have died, especially Jay, thinks to herself, "Strike me down
.Visit upon me Thy
lightnings. I don't care. I can't care."
Ch. 14 Hannah: just before Mary tells the children, she snaps at Rufus to take off his hat
Ch. 16 Hannah: sharp and harsh with the children, especially Rufus
C. Do: listen more than you talk, let them know you are there for them, remind yourself that anger is a normal part of the process and can signal progress, plan activities to get them "out of the house", be
patient, remember that the anger is not about you, trust your instincts if you are concerned that they are unsafe, abusive or self-destructive, tell someone who can help, make sure you have someone you can talk to
Say: "I'm sorry this is so hard." "I wish I knew how to help." "It's not o.k. for you to (unsafe, abusive, self-destructive behavior)." "I'm picking you up at (time) and we are going to (do whatever)."
D. Don't: offer rational reasons why they shouldn't be angry or try to talk them out of their feelings, take their behavior personally, be easily offended, be judgmental, abandon them or give up on them
(you can, however, give yourself a break when you need it), let them isolate themselves, allow them to cross the line into destructive, unsafe, or abusive behavior
Don't say: "You shouldn't feel that
way!" "You don't mean that." "When are you going to get over this?"
Stage 3: Bargaining making promises to God and/or trying to make deals
A. Characteristics: They promise God
something or try to make a deal with God if He will take the pain away or protect other people they love or give them a sign or tell them why, etc.
B. Ch 4 Mary: prays for Jay's father, asks God to spare
him so she can "learn to understand and care for him more"
Ch. 8 Mary: amazingly resists the temptation to try to bargain with God and simply prays for His will and for strength; this is a point in which many are
drawn into making promises and/or bargaining
C. Do: encourage them to talk about feelings, express your concern for them, be patient
Say: "I'm sorry you are hurting so badly." "I can't imagine how hard this must be for you."
E. Don't: try to make everything o.k. for the person, discount or downplay the person's
feelings, try to take away the feelings/pain
Stage 4: Depression signals that the process of accepting the loss has begun
A. Characteristics: They may be extremely sad,
tearful, sleeping too much or too little (sleep quality is poor), lethargic, loose interest in activities they once enjoyed, feel the emotional pain as an actual, physical ache, allow physical appearance to deteriorate,
feel like it will never get better, may idealize the deceased and see them as more perfect than they were
B. Ch. 13 Mary: when alone the for the first time before going to bed, she feels overtaken by
loneliness and trembling, questions why she is alive
Ch. 16 Rufus (after getting in trouble for pestering Catherine): thinks of all the things the boys said when he told them about his father; feels bad that he
"showed off"; quietly goes to his father's chair and smells it
Ch. 17 Walter Starr: almost breaks down after telling the children how he felt about Jay
Ch. 17 Mary: nearly collapses with grief after meeting the Priest
C. Do: encourage them to talk about feelings, let them cry/emote without trying to make them feel better (it's necessary to feel
the painful emotions), talk about/ask about the deceased, tell them good things you remember, get them help if they express suicidal thoughts (saying they don't want to live, giving away treasured items, seem to be
saying goodbye,suddenly go from despair to "fine"), encourage them to write a letter to the deceased, help them do something as a memorial (plant a tree, donate money/clothing etc. in honor of the deceased, create a
scrapbook, etc.), encourage them to talk to a counselor
Say: "Tell me about (the deceased)." "What was your favorite thing about (the deceased)." "I remember the time he/she
" "It must
feel like things will never be easy again, but you will get through this." "I'm worried about you." "Tell me what you are thinking." "It might be good if you talk to someone who knows how to help you through this."
D. Don't: abandon them or give up on them, tell them why they shouldn't feel this way, let them isolate themselves, be afraid to get help for them, promise to keep their pain secret, be afraid to have
fun and laugh in their presence
Don't say: "Don't feel that way." "You don't mean that." "You need to snap out of this."
Stage five: Acceptance recognition of the reality of the
situation, intensity of the accompanying pain can vary widely depending, more often than not, on the newness of the loss
A. Characteristics: They begin to resume their lives, they laugh again, they
still cry from time to time but not every day, they can talk about the deceased without becoming depressed, they make future plans
B. Ch. 11 Mary: takes a "baby step" toward acceptance by talking about Jay's epitaph
Ch. 12 Mary: finds much comfort and release in sensing Jay's presence in the house and in being able to talk to him,
saying what is on her heart ("And her heart was restored from its desolation, into warmth and love and almost into wholeness." This is a great example of howa person can bounce quickly from one stage to another.)
Ch.
20 Rufus and Catherine: see Mary after the funeral and realize "nothing would ever be the same again"
Ch. 20 Rufus: comforted by Andrew's account of the butterfly on the coffin
C. Do: encourage them to resume normal activities, continue to get them "out of the house"
Say: "I'm glad you are doing better." "It will still hit you hard at times, but you'll be o.k."
"I'm here whenever you need me."
D. Don't: be afraid to talk about the deceased (it will be more awkward if you don't), be surprised if they still bounce in and out of the five stages for some
time (months or even years depending on the depth of the loss)
Closing: Present the quote from Aunt Hannah again, "I don't think it's a kind of thing that can be prepared for; it just has to be
lived through." Remind students that death is a normal part of life and that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Have students complete the assessment activities. Note that assessment activity #3 may
require another class period to complete.
Optional extension to the closing: (Consider your audience and your personal convictions when choosing whether
or not to present this analogy.) Present the quote from Ch. 12 where Joel says, "Hannah was saying that everything of any importance leaves the body then (in a sudden death)." Using this as a springboard, share
the following analogy.
Some people find it helpful to compare the death of a person to a house that has been through a terrible storm
.windows broken, shutters torn off, roof destroyed, foundation shaken.
The house was so damaged that the people who lived there had to move. The people were still very much alive; they just couldn't live in that house anymore. In death, the physical body has been through a storm severe
enough that the person who lived in that body couldn't live there anymore. Everything that made the person who he/she was, his/her spirit, had to move out of the body. He/she just couldn't live there any
more. Many people believe that the true essence of a person, the spirit or soul, doesn't die with the physical body but lives on.
Assessment
1. Have each student write a journal entry using one of the following prompts:
§ Think of a time in your life when you or someone you know was grieving. Cite examples of at least 4 of the five
stages of grief from that experience.
§ Think of someone in your life who is currently grieving some type of loss (remember that the process applies to any loss, not just death). Develop a plan for
how you can support them during this time.
§ Describe a time when you were grieving. Tell what your friends did that helped, what they did that did not help, and what you wish they had done and/or what you
needed from them.
2. Have each student choose two of the characters from the novel. For each character the student should identify the following: a specific point in the story, the stage
of grief in which we find the character at that point, two suggestions for how a friend of the character might "be there" for the character during that time.
3. Creative Expression/Application - (May
require an additional class period). Divide students into cooperative learning groups of 3-4. Assign each group the task of developing a creative representation of the five stages of grief.
(Examples: develop a brochure, create a chart/poster, write a song, write a poem, write a script and act it out, create a mural, etc.)
Optional Discussion Extensions
The following
discussion topics may be used as a part of this lesson or as a follow up activity for another class period.
1. Briefly discuss what it is like to attend a funeral and/or graveside service. For
those who have never attended a funeral, tell them what to expect. Be sure to cover the following points of funeral etiquette:
§ Dress appropriately (not casual).
§ Be respectful by talking quietly.
§ Stand in the line to sign the registry book; stand in line to be received by the family.
§ If you have something in your heart to say to the family, say
it. Keep it brief; they won't remember much of what is said to them anyway. If you don't know what to say, it's o.k. not to say anything. A hug, a smile, or a pat on the back can communicate just as well. If you want to
say something, you could say something like, "I'm so sorry for your loss."
§ Sit quietly and respectfully when sitting in the room where the deceased is presented.
§ It's o.k. to visit quietly
with others; remember not to engage in any behavior that would distract others or call attention to you or others.
§ When driving as a part of a funeral procession, stay in line, turn on the headlights, be
sure the music isn't loud enough to be heard outside the car.
§ When driving and you encounter a funeral procession of which you are not a part, out of respect for the deceased and the family, pull over if
possible. Never pass a funeral procession.
§ If you are uncomfortable approaching the casket, it's o.k. not to do so.
§ If you feel you can't handle the funeral, it's o.k. not to go.
§ If you want to attend the funeral but can't work it out to do so, it's o.k. to go by the funeral home earlier in the day and sign the registry/pay your respects.
2. Remind students that
the grieving process applies not only to death but also to any loss of any degree. The entire process can take a few minutes (it did
snow but not enough to call off school; you rip your favorite shirt), a few days (you scratch the door of your new car; you lose a special piece of jewelry), or several months/years (your best friend moves away; death of a loved one). Have students brainstorm a list of situations, or use the ones given above, and discuss how the five stages apply to each.
Interdisciplinary Links
Biology physiological reactions to grief, depression, emotional trauma
Music examination of the theme of death in music; music therapy in mental health
Psychology defense mechanisms
Sociology cultural differences in death and funeral rituals
Wellness study of the stages of life
References
